5:1

Paying Attention on Purpose

Dr. Rick Hansen, psychologist, senior fellow for UC’s Greater Good Science Center and New York Times best selling author said that “the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive ones.” In other words, our negativity bias in our ancient brain cannot tell the difference between “danger” and “anger”, “stress” or “drama.” We “stick” on to negative experiences, thoughts and interactions even if it is just ONE throughout the day and we overlook the MANY positive ones we experience- BIG and SMALL.

It’s not our fault—our ancestors literally needed this survival skill to fight off the T-Rex and sabertooth tigers around every corner.

However, it is within our control to CHOOSE what we pay attention to. 

In fact, the definition of “mindfulness” is simply “paying attention to the present moment, ON PURPOSE.” Whether you believe in meditation and deep breathing-we can all pay a little more attention and what we pay attention to is what makes all the difference.

5 Positives to 1 Negative

According to relationship researcher, John Gottman the magic ratio is 5:1.  Basically, social interactions between people like partners, spouses, family and friends—-even the colleague sitting across from you or the neighbor next door—it takes 5 positive feelings or interactions to outweigh 1 negative! Let that sink in a moment, 5:1….

Especially today as many of us are gathering together with family and friends or some of us are unable to gather. We talk about gratitude and how the brain LITERALLY cannot focus on two thoughts at once.

We have the power to choose what we focus our attention on.

Look around you RIGHT NOW, this very instant…can you pay attention ON PURPOSE?

I challenge you to count 5 positive instances, interactions or feelings you are experiences this very moment. 

I Spy in this Photo

Take the photo above for example. My sisters will probably hate me for posting them in their pajama’s and makeupless this Thanksgiving morning but I looked over and became overwhelmed with emotion as I simply just stopped, slowed down and PAID ATTENTION on purpose.

I Spy in this photo…my brain easily could naturally be driven to stick to negative thoughts just like velcro.

Families coming together under one roof include lots of dogs barking, babies crying, differences of opinions ranging from politics and the amount of screen time for kids to the temperature on the thermostat and how bright or dull the new light bulb in the kitchen is….not to mention a 7 year old with a stomach bug upstairs missing out on all the fun.

OR, I could shift my thinking to focus on the positive feelings, thoughts and interactions right in front of my eyes. In this photo I Spy, 5:1.  1. I spy an adorable golden retriever squeaking a dog toy that is cleverly disguised as a “bottle of JOY.”  2. I spy my youngest sister who will be giving birth to a healthy baby boy in less than a month away-giving my parents their 4th grandbaby-3 of which live within two hours of each other. 

3. I spy my other sister holding her son who is almost a year old, laughing, slobbering and giggling-emotions are contagious! Who cannot smile at a giggly, slobbery, smiley baby?

4. I spy my nephew face-timing his uncle who is currently deployed overseas in the Army. 

5. I spy my brother in law, missing his wife and dogs but oh so excited to be a brand new daddy in just a couple weeks and will get to come home to see his sweet new family for the holidays.

Where is the ONE Negative?

Yep there are PLENTY of negatives, we are NOT perfect, far from it and I am super guilty of letting myself become overwhelmed, stressed and anxious feeding into that negative loop of thoughts and emotions.

Believe me, I woke up in the middle of the night stressing about work, life, missing family and friends that we cannot spend Thanksgiving with and even asking, what really happened at the “First Thanksgiving” anyway-ALL THE THINGS! Not to mention maybe the stomach bug was brewing in my kiddo’s belly.

Many of my worries are SO SMALL compared to others, and I’m not here to disvalue those that are struggling through tremendous loss and tragedy right now. These are the times where gratitude feels like toxic positivity. Where you’re thinking “why me?” “why now?”

But remember, we have overcome 100% of what has been thrown at us in our lives—otherwise we would not be here today.

What does Albus Dumbledore say? “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of places, if one only remembers to TURN ON THE LIGHT.”

I’m sure, if I paid REAL CLOSE attention I could find at least 1 negative thought, interaction and emotion in this photo. I could probably find 50 if I wanted to. But today, I am going to pay attention ON PURPOSE to the POSITIVE.

Set a timer today for 5 pm….when it goes off, this is your trigger to stop and PAY ATTENTION. Can you look around and name 5 positive emotions, observations and interactions in that very moment?

I bet you can.

Join me!

5:1 

Happy Thanksgiving

Or how about, Happy EVERYDAY because everyday can be a great day.

Now remind me to remember that, if I catch this stomach bug later….;)